Yes, this is satire, first posted over at Medium’s Bullshit.ist publication. Go forth and like it, por favor.
Writing for the web takes a certain style, because as we all know, it’s the clicks that count. To help get you started, here are 11 ways to write great posts online that are sure to make you a cyberstar.
1. Start with a rambling paragraph that repeats your main point several ways so you can meet Google SEO content requirements.
2. Entice clicks using unrelated photo of a sexy girl, preferably with nose ring and yoga pants, surrounded by fields of wheat.
3. Put a number in your title so readers can quickly determine how little thinking will be required. Because why should they. Think. Much.
4. Use single word sentences for punctuated emphasis, rather than incorporating any adjective thingies. Like. The. One. Above.
5. Use cutesy words to downplay any pretense of intellectualism, for example ‘thingies.’
6. Use “like” a lot. Like, all the time. Also, reference complicated concepts as “a thing.” Yes, this is a thing.
7. Use “fuck” everywhere; it will jar people into reflexive re-tweets like fucking automatons.
8. Use clever word creations like “internety” as if they were legitimate terms.
9. Employ “I” “me” or “my” at about five-words-to-one. I’ve found that in my writing it helps prove my ability to show how awesome I am. Because. I. Am. Awesome.
10. Assume your audience lacks any historical knowledge whatsoever and explain even obvious references. (Ex: World War ll, a clusterfuck between good and bad guys back in the olden days, was a big fucking deal. Really. Fucking. Big.)
11. Make your article about sex. If it’s not about sex, make it about sex. If you can’t make it about sex, find some other internet.
There you go, surefire rules that’ll shoot you straight to the top of the feed. And what’s writing for anyway? So go out and get ’em, keyboard cowboy!